Financial Damnation

Money is the route of all evil, or so the saying goes.

Or perhaps it's the lack of it and/or the need to have it to gain access to certain freedoms that lead to the evil.

Either way, money is always a hot topic and linked to many MANY emotions.

That being said....

I am expensive.

I have no say in this matter.

At age 11 I was diagnosed with a lifelong disease with no foreseeable cure. Every advance in the medicinal care of this disease has only added to its lifetime expense over time.
On the whole these advances have lessened the possible greater expense this disease could be to me personally, my family, and society in general. But, the financial burden the care of this disease has had on my life has only increased over time despite the lack of negative progression and/or side effects this disease can cause or lead to.
I have no say in this matter beyond refusing to accept and follow my physician's treatment regimen and protocol. Not doing so can and would lessen the immediate financial expense. But, not following that protocol could, and would more than likely, lead to undesirable symptoms and more expensive medical treatments required to prolong a less than desirable life having to accept and treat those unavoidable symptoms caused by negligence on my part.
It's a viscous reality.
And there's no foreseeable escape from it.
I'm condemned to paying for it now, regardless of its cost, or paying for it later via loss of life/functionality.

But money is an easy commodity to attain.
I'm a smart person.
I'm creative, imaginative, daring even.
I should take risks and find a way to earn a bigger income to lessen the financial impact of this disease.

But, at what cost?

Do I leave my children's primary role model and source of rearing to somebody else that is paid to do so?
Do I put off home ownership even longer to hopefully make it big with this or that MLM business that has amazing and even desirable products.
Do I feed my family crappy food in order to pay for educational costs that may or may not financially benefit me or them later?
What am I truly willing to sacrifice to make myself more financially stable in a time-frame that's worthwhile to enjoy it in?

How much is my spouse truly willing to invest in a never ending, and ever growing, financial sink hole?

This is the reality I live in.

I am a stay at home mother.
I have no degree.
I have a disease that eats up more than 30% of my husband's income in the cost of medical insurance premiums, co-pays, and co-insurance for myself alone.
And there's the 25% risk that any one of our children could develop this disease adding to the financial strain.

I hate this reality.
It is a constant source of guilt.
It is a constant fuel source to my depression.

If I were my spouse I don't believe my love for me could oversee the financial burden that I am.
I would be planning the financial freedom a divorce or separation could, and would allow me and deciding at what point in life it would make the most logical financial sense to do so. (When the care of children would be financially minimal with all children being in school full time, but before alimony payment would become required)
This logical financial freedom thinking I imagine any sane person would have makes me nervous.
Can love really outweigh debt?
Can lack of financial security truly be overridden by affection?

What if I want more financial security and my spouse is unwilling or unmotivated to provide it? Can I truly achieve financial security in my marriage if this is a reality?
Is this reality?
Am I financially dependent on my spouse only?
Is my marriage at risk if I do not feel or perceive that we, as a family, are financially stable or heading in that direction fast enough?
Is financial stability more important to me than love?

I feel like I'm the financial burden, and I cannot escape myself.

I truly believe that I alone cannot provide the financial stability that I need to provide a home, food, medical costs, clothes, transportation, education, and savings for myself and my children.
I am dependant on my spouse alone for all of that currently.
This makes me unhappy.

I don't believe that taking care of the domestic duties  (laundry, house cleaning, cooking, child care) is worth the financial burden that I am to my spouse.

I spend money on frivolous things beyond the everyday necessities and my medical obligations.

I hate this reality about myself.

I find joy and happiness in spending money on "things," but by doing so I take away from what I believe would make myself and my spouse & children even more happy.

We can't afford to buy a home.

We've rented for 9 years and are not any closer to making a down payment on a property than we were when we were first married.

I feel like this financial reality is all my fault and there is no way to escape it.

I continue to be more expensive medically alone, even without the spending. I'd be even more expensive if I went back to school for a degree.

This is my definition of financial damnation.