I put a considerable amount of mental effort into making a holiday memorable and enjoyable for each member of my family.
I enjoy gift shopping, gift wrapping, and decorating.
I like cooking and baking and all preparations related to spending time with the people I love.
However, there seems to be a side to every holiday that is becoming more and more aggressive the older I become.
Disappointment, loneliness, and discouragement.
Many different things intensify these three different emotions.
Some times one of these emotions arrives without any foreseeable trigger.
Other times the trigger is incredibly obvious (to me at least).
I hate the physical effect this side of any holiday has upon me.
It's quite difficult to push these negative emotions aside without it stirring a suicidal thought.
My brain has a hardened road of neuron pathways that formed throughout the years I was not receiving psychiatric help.
I suffer in silence. I hope to allow the happy portions of each holiday to override those hardened neuron pathways.
It is physically taxing, but I continue to push on.
I fear that if I do not, they will become the death of me.
