2 years ago

Two years ago tonight I had a miscarriage at my house.
It was terrifying, painful, and shocking to my system.

It still is quite fresh in my memory.
I guess that's because of how impactful it was.
I've had a baby since, but I still miss this one.

Thirds year is more tender for me.
Leading up to this memorial date especially.

I'm also incredibly guarded right now emotionally.

I guess that's what happens when your spouse says "I want a divorce. And I want custody."
That was yesterday's knife into my barely stable sanity.

The fixer upper

I've always easily connected to people.
I enjoy listening to and telling life stories with others.
In general I get along well with most people.
I find the differences in life experience and individual perspective to be quite fascinating.
I give to and take advice from others along the way.

But... I've encountered people that want me or ask me to fix their predicament.
I've never been able to ask that of someone else myself.
But, if and when I've encountered it, I've almost always willingly assisted when and where I could.
Focusing on scenarios outside of my own has always been an escape route for me.

It's only been within the last 3 years that I've encountered individuals that I truly could not, or did not want to, help. Typically these individuals have been discovered through numerous attempts taken to help/advise them with no action or follow up taken on their part.
It's been hard for me to learn that I cannot force someone to behave a way they are not willing to.

Even though I'm the fixer upper, I just can't fix that.

I suspect these people will come to realize the loss of a deeply sincere relationship with me as I progressively limit our communications and times spent together. A gradual, yet deliberate, parting of ways.
Thankfully I haven't needed to be harshly abrupt with anyone yet. But there's always a possibility I might have to be in the future.

I just don't have the energy to waste trying to fix something you want to stay broken.