2 years ago

Two years ago tonight I had a miscarriage at my house.
It was terrifying, painful, and shocking to my system.

It still is quite fresh in my memory.
I guess that's because of how impactful it was.
I've had a baby since, but I still miss this one.

Thirds year is more tender for me.
Leading up to this memorial date especially.

I'm also incredibly guarded right now emotionally.

I guess that's what happens when your spouse says "I want a divorce. And I want custody."
That was yesterday's knife into my barely stable sanity.

The fixer upper

I've always easily connected to people.
I enjoy listening to and telling life stories with others.
In general I get along well with most people.
I find the differences in life experience and individual perspective to be quite fascinating.
I give to and take advice from others along the way.

But... I've encountered people that want me or ask me to fix their predicament.
I've never been able to ask that of someone else myself.
But, if and when I've encountered it, I've almost always willingly assisted when and where I could.
Focusing on scenarios outside of my own has always been an escape route for me.

It's only been within the last 3 years that I've encountered individuals that I truly could not, or did not want to, help. Typically these individuals have been discovered through numerous attempts taken to help/advise them with no action or follow up taken on their part.
It's been hard for me to learn that I cannot force someone to behave a way they are not willing to.

Even though I'm the fixer upper, I just can't fix that.

I suspect these people will come to realize the loss of a deeply sincere relationship with me as I progressively limit our communications and times spent together. A gradual, yet deliberate, parting of ways.
Thankfully I haven't needed to be harshly abrupt with anyone yet. But there's always a possibility I might have to be in the future.

I just don't have the energy to waste trying to fix something you want to stay broken.

Emotional holiday

I put a considerable amount of mental effort into making a holiday memorable and enjoyable for each member of my family.
I enjoy gift shopping, gift wrapping, and decorating.
I like cooking and baking and all preparations related to spending time with the people I love.

However, there seems to be a side to every holiday that is becoming more and more aggressive the older I become.

Disappointment, loneliness, and discouragement.

Many different things intensify these three different emotions.
Some times one of these emotions arrives without any foreseeable trigger.
Other times the trigger is incredibly obvious (to me at least).

I hate the physical effect this side of any holiday has upon me.
It's quite difficult to push these negative emotions aside without it stirring a suicidal thought.
My brain has a hardened road of neuron pathways that formed throughout the years I was not receiving psychiatric help.

I suffer in silence. I hope to allow the happy portions of each holiday to override those hardened neuron pathways.
It is physically taxing, but I continue to push on.

I fear that if I do not, they will become the death of me.

Political climate

I learned when I was very young that certain topics of conversation are best avoided in public settings. These topics include, but are not limited to, religion and politics.

I've made the mistake of bringing these topics up in unfriendly settings numerous times. However, I wasn't always aware that the setting would be unfriendly. I hate the heated debates these two particular topics seem to stir up more often than not.

I'm struggling this year.

I am struggling with my own religious beliefs as well as my political point of view. I've always prided myself on being willing to listen, giving anyone the opportunity to express their own beliefs and convictions.
I listen to, and often reflect on, what I hear them say.

I try to ask questions to help me understand why they think or believe a certain way. I feel it is only fair to consider their background and experience that have helped to formulate their perspective.

This is a very tumultuous task for my brain. Especially if the person is not very well known by me. My brain creates a life synopsis of the person in order to justify their convictions. Even if those convictions are dramatically differing from my own.

The current TV shows I sometimes watch often contain story lines greatly influenced by the many different characters' religious beliefs and/or political affiliation. Oft times these topics are a source for comedic effect or dramatic shock value. I watch and listen while squirming inside.

The information I hear and see make me reflect on my own beliefs and political leanings. I question what I value most. I am plagued by these thoughts in my dreams as well as in my fleeting undisturbed moments throughout my day.

I want to act on my own beliefs and convictions. But, I do not want any of my political convictions to negate my religious beliefs. I am torn.

It seems that my soul, mind, and body are in a contestant storm created by the current pressing political climate.

I desire peace.
Peace of mind.
Peace of body.
Peace of soul.

My hope for peace is constantly under attack by new information. I feel all of it is literally harming my brain.

What do you do to create calm and peace within yourself?
I am in desperate need of suggestion via comments.

Full disclosure

Today I woke up at 5:53am.
I changed & fed the baby.
Autumn was awake and in the living room with me.
It was still dark outside.
I put the baby back in the bassinet, gave Autumn some water, and toasted and ate a bagel. I then convinced myself and Autumn to go back to bed.
I then slept through my 8:30am alarm.
I woke again at 9.
Because I had slept in my clothes and was exhausted I drifted in and out of sleep for the next 30 minutes. I finally got back out of bed at 9:33.
I hustled my two older children to get dressed while I toasted them bagels and woke/changed/dressed the baby.
We all got into the car at 9:58

I brushed my hair into a pony tail on the drive.

We arrived at the pediatrician's office at 10:10 i think... (appointment time of 10:20).
Check-in took longer than normal.
I had a hard time remembering the baby's birth date.
While in the waiting room I brushed/styled my two older girls' hair that I had not taken out the night before.
I nagged them both to finish eating their breakfast (what still remained of the bagels).
We were called back to the exam room.
I answered general health questions about the baby. I filled out a form. I reviewed questions about the baby's health to consider before allowing her to be immunized.
I undressed the baby.
She was weighed and measured.
I began to nurse her while we waited for the doctor.
Autumn and Tori were quite stir crazy (typical of their age) and it began to get intolerable for me.
I cautioned them and redirected their behavior several times.
I again told Tori to finish eating her breakfast.
The doctor came in and we chatted before the baby's exam.
The baby is not appropriately gaining weight. She is growing taller, but her weight gain is not advancing at the same rate.
The baby was examined.
She looks physically well aside from an eye infection encouraged by a plugged tear duct. But the plateau of weight gain on the growth chart is concerning. The most likely culprit is the baby's good sleep duration plus a shortage in breast milk supply.
I was encouraged to incase pumping and supplement after each feeding with pumped milk (if available) or formula to ensure the baby gains weight. I was counseled to come back in 2 weeks to check the baby's weight at that time and evaluate if any other steps would be needed to ensure optimal growth/health.
Both the baby and Autumn received vaccines.

I fed the baby more after the vaccines.
We lingered in the room for probably another 10 minutes so that i could finish nursing. Autumn and Tori were very fidgety wanting to play with the "prize" toy that Autumn had received for getting her flu shot.
They did not obey the rules I put in place with the toy.
The toy was put in time out.
They sat quietly for the last 2 minutes inside the exam room after being reprimanded (spoken to) for their behavior.
We went and checked out.
Check out and scheduling follow up/future visits took much longer than normal due to lack of available appointment times.
There was a line of 4 patients needing to check out behind me once I was finished.

I felt guilty for unintentionally making other people wait for me.
The girls and I all used the restroom downstairs before getting into the car.

We left and drove to the pharmacy for the baby's eye drops.
The pharmacy did not have the prescription yet.
I gave them the doctor's name and my phone number so that they could call me once they had it.

We drove to Albertsons to purchase a deli sub sandwich to share for lunch. I delayed getting out of the car to avoid conversing with someone I saw there that was leaving. I did not have time to spare.

The pharmacy called just as I undid my seat belt.

I buckled back up.
It was now 12:15.

I drove toward the pharmacy, stopping at Burger King's "drive-thru" to pick up an alternative lunch option because we now would have to eat in the car.
We got the prescription at the pharmacy.

It was now 12:35.
I hustled the older girls to eat because we had to get to school.
I drove. They somewhat ate.
We got to the school at 12:52.
Autumn wanted to get out of the car without eating any more food. I made her sit in her seat for 4 additional minutes to eat. I encouraged her to eat 5 more big bites of burger while walking from the car to the playground gate.
I forgot to hug her goodbye.

I drove to the other end of the school to drop off Tori.
I thanked her for finishing her lunch entrée before having to get out of the car.
I carried the baby's car seat and walked Tori to the drop off gate/line up area. We waited for maybe 3 minutes before her teacher came out to greet her class. (The time of that was probably 1:05 because her teacher is typically on the dot)
I also forgot to hug Tori goodbye.

I walked back to the car with a mildly fussy baby to drive home.
I forgot to go into the front school office to leave a note to Autumn's teacher about a volunteer scheduling question that I had.
I realized that once i got home.

The baby had fallen asleep in the car seat, so I began a load of laundry while praying out loud. I kept the baby where I  could see her while I did this.
Once the load was started, I took the baby out of the car seat.
I changed/nursed the baby again.
I administered her eye drops to her.
I switched the laundry just after nursing and started another load.
I made a bottle of formula for the baby.
I fed the baby all that she wound drink.
She spat up more than usual making a significant mess.

I changed her clothes.
She fell back asleep.

I organized my breast pump supplies, checked my blood sugar (52) ate cookies and milk, and began to pump breast milk.
It was 3:15 when I began.
I hand stimulated production while pumping and concluded at 3:35.
I put the milk in the freezer.
I gathered up the supplies, put the baby back in the car seat, got in the car and drove to the school.
I arrived at 3:48.
I gave the note needing to go to the kindergarten teacher to the pre-k teacher and asked her to put it into her mailbox.
I drove the girls home.

We unloaded the car and went inside.
I changed/nursed the baby.
It was now 4:25.
I told the girls to have quiet time until 5pm.

I switched the laundry. I put soda boxes away. I started to feel the symptoms of a low blood sugar.
I tested (56).
I had Autumn get me fruit snacks.
I wrote out instructions for the babysitter.
I forgot to start eating the fruit snacks for quite some time.
My mind wandered to everything I needed to complete/get done.
I then remembered to eat the fruit snacks.

I woke up Tori at 5pm from her brief nap.
I went back to the babysitter instructions/folding laundry.
Jay came home around 5:15pm.
At 5:30 I asked him to start cooking macaroni and cheese for the girls' dinner per their request.
I unloaded the dishwasher/put dishes away.
I laid out the girls' pajamas and put out their vitamins/toothbrushes for the babysitters.
I began to panic about time quickly disappearing.
My blood sugar was low so Jay instructed me to eat some mac and cheese.
I did, but not in one solid setting because I was attempting to multi-task to get ready to go out the door.
I took my medicine.
The babysitters arrived.
I gave verbal instructions to them during this mild panic attack the time rush had produced.

I put the baby in the car seat.
I double-checked the diaper bag contents.
I forgot that I had had a low volume alarm go off on my insulin pump when I was low. I remembered my dismissal of that alarm just before 6pm and grabbed my supplies when heading out the door at 6:13.

I swapped car positions with Jay. I decided he should drive because of my need to do a set change of my insulin pump.
I gave Jay driving instructions while administering my set change.

We arrived at the the junior high school 5 minutes late at 6:35pm.
We walked inside the classroom at 6:38pm.

During the 2 hour class I changed 1 diaper and nursed the baby for at least 40 minutes. I had to be standing with her in my arms for most of the other time.

We left the school at about 8:45

We got home at about 9:05pm.

I changed/fed the baby. I also made her another bottle of formula.
I put her into pajamas.
I switched the laundry.
I emptied the house trash cans and took the bin to the curb.

I talked to my neighbor for about 15 minutes expressing my current anxiety triggers and general emotional state of being.
I went back inside to the baby crying.

The baby threw up a lot of formula so Jay took off the wet pajamas and bib.
I held/comforted her for a while, then nursed her again. I put her into clean pajamas and swaddled her. She fell asleep at about 11pm.

I began writing this blog post at 11:32pm.
It is now 1:53am and I've finished writing it.

My summery of how the day was/went:
Compacted, unorganized, anxious, reactionary, emotional.

Overwhelmed

I am incredibly gullible.

Let me clarify:

Every time someone tells me something new (to me) I am skeptical about where they learned it.
Did they personally do the research on this topic from multiple sources, or are they expressing an opinion because it is only based on their own (or so-and-so's) experience/story?
I'm very disbelieving of people's ability to be 100% honest. I think they embellish aspects and/or paint a glossy/gruesome picture for the reaction it receives.

I'm quite skeptical of persons in general.

However, the printed word has a different effect on me.

I read information of all kinds every single day.
Billboards, Internet, magazines, street signs, mail, etc.

I learned to read when I was 4. I could read chapter books (even if I couldn't understand all the words used or follow the story line) in kindergarten. I still have a memory of me reading Little House on the Prairie by Laura Ingles Wilder at a table in the kindergarten classroom and the assistant teacher expressing her amazement by my ability to read it.
My pride in reading was intensified by my father who told all of us kids that we could learn anything we wanted to by reading a book because someone, somewhere had written about it. So learning to read was the most important thing you could ever do. It was empowerment.

I think I subconsciously attached to that lesson that if a) someone had written a book about a subject for others to read then b) what was written must be true.
We often read scripture together as a family while I was growing up. Being taught to believe what was written in the scriptures as true intensified this subconscious belief of mine. And of course, textbooks/manuals/lesson books from school also encouraged this belief.

Newspapers were true because they were published every day and contained the "news" in a report format so you knew what was happening in the world.
Price tags told you how much you would have to pay to get something you wanted.

I believed the written word around me was true because of these examples.

The only books that were not true were those within the children's books and/or fiction section of the library. They were labeled as fiction. So you knew before reading them that it was make-believe. No worries.

The written word still carries a subconscious belief of mine that it is true.
For that reason, I am incredibly gullible.

My belief in the written word has subconsciously expanded over time. This has been carefully taught to me by marketing experts trying to sell products and/or services. I've been taught to consider the possibility that x, y, or z is true because there is a 100% money back guarantee! This had broadened my mind and eliminated my need to look for the "fiction" label.

Several experiences of learning first hand that what was written was not true has made me question many hard-fast beliefs I've had throughout my life.
If someone can write and publish a lie, how can I be sure this written word I'm reading now is true? Or what I have read?
I generally want to believe what is written, but my experienced brain argues that I am being swayed by lies.

Advertisements that show/tell about topics that are emotionally close to me evoke a response to take action. To avoid x, y, or z. Or, to do this or that to achieve this result. To give money to this subject to achieve this improved outcome. And so on.

My brain gets carried away with the overload of information about these things. I become even more carried away with the topics that I choose to look into further or embrace add true.

What's troubling is that trying to research in this day and age typically leads to the use of the Internet. And there is more information there about any topic than can be contained in one book. A lot of the pieces of information available are opposites. One opposes the other frequently.

Which is true?
How can I know?
Am I worse off to ignore this new information that I've found completely?

What if the new information is in opposition to something I believed before?
Shouldn't I search it out (like I constantly question if other people are doing) before coming to a conclusion?
How much time is it going to take to feel as though I've thoroughly researched it?
What happens if I come to a conclusion based on my research and then my sources change their tune?
Can I not allow for the scientific method to take place and accept that something I once believed as fact is now proven inaccurate?

This idea plagues on my conscience.
What if I told somebody about it before, but now what I said is a lie or only partially true?

I've been taught to be honest in all dealings with my fellow man.

How can I be with the limited information I have based on the amount of personal research I've done on it? What if I misread it? What if what I read is a lie altogether??

This is all so overwhelming to me.

Financial Damnation

Money is the route of all evil, or so the saying goes.

Or perhaps it's the lack of it and/or the need to have it to gain access to certain freedoms that lead to the evil.

Either way, money is always a hot topic and linked to many MANY emotions.

That being said....

I am expensive.

I have no say in this matter.

At age 11 I was diagnosed with a lifelong disease with no foreseeable cure. Every advance in the medicinal care of this disease has only added to its lifetime expense over time.
On the whole these advances have lessened the possible greater expense this disease could be to me personally, my family, and society in general. But, the financial burden the care of this disease has had on my life has only increased over time despite the lack of negative progression and/or side effects this disease can cause or lead to.
I have no say in this matter beyond refusing to accept and follow my physician's treatment regimen and protocol. Not doing so can and would lessen the immediate financial expense. But, not following that protocol could, and would more than likely, lead to undesirable symptoms and more expensive medical treatments required to prolong a less than desirable life having to accept and treat those unavoidable symptoms caused by negligence on my part.
It's a viscous reality.
And there's no foreseeable escape from it.
I'm condemned to paying for it now, regardless of its cost, or paying for it later via loss of life/functionality.

But money is an easy commodity to attain.
I'm a smart person.
I'm creative, imaginative, daring even.
I should take risks and find a way to earn a bigger income to lessen the financial impact of this disease.

But, at what cost?

Do I leave my children's primary role model and source of rearing to somebody else that is paid to do so?
Do I put off home ownership even longer to hopefully make it big with this or that MLM business that has amazing and even desirable products.
Do I feed my family crappy food in order to pay for educational costs that may or may not financially benefit me or them later?
What am I truly willing to sacrifice to make myself more financially stable in a time-frame that's worthwhile to enjoy it in?

How much is my spouse truly willing to invest in a never ending, and ever growing, financial sink hole?

This is the reality I live in.

I am a stay at home mother.
I have no degree.
I have a disease that eats up more than 30% of my husband's income in the cost of medical insurance premiums, co-pays, and co-insurance for myself alone.
And there's the 25% risk that any one of our children could develop this disease adding to the financial strain.

I hate this reality.
It is a constant source of guilt.
It is a constant fuel source to my depression.

If I were my spouse I don't believe my love for me could oversee the financial burden that I am.
I would be planning the financial freedom a divorce or separation could, and would allow me and deciding at what point in life it would make the most logical financial sense to do so. (When the care of children would be financially minimal with all children being in school full time, but before alimony payment would become required)
This logical financial freedom thinking I imagine any sane person would have makes me nervous.
Can love really outweigh debt?
Can lack of financial security truly be overridden by affection?

What if I want more financial security and my spouse is unwilling or unmotivated to provide it? Can I truly achieve financial security in my marriage if this is a reality?
Is this reality?
Am I financially dependent on my spouse only?
Is my marriage at risk if I do not feel or perceive that we, as a family, are financially stable or heading in that direction fast enough?
Is financial stability more important to me than love?

I feel like I'm the financial burden, and I cannot escape myself.

I truly believe that I alone cannot provide the financial stability that I need to provide a home, food, medical costs, clothes, transportation, education, and savings for myself and my children.
I am dependant on my spouse alone for all of that currently.
This makes me unhappy.

I don't believe that taking care of the domestic duties  (laundry, house cleaning, cooking, child care) is worth the financial burden that I am to my spouse.

I spend money on frivolous things beyond the everyday necessities and my medical obligations.

I hate this reality about myself.

I find joy and happiness in spending money on "things," but by doing so I take away from what I believe would make myself and my spouse & children even more happy.

We can't afford to buy a home.

We've rented for 9 years and are not any closer to making a down payment on a property than we were when we were first married.

I feel like this financial reality is all my fault and there is no way to escape it.

I continue to be more expensive medically alone, even without the spending. I'd be even more expensive if I went back to school for a degree.

This is my definition of financial damnation.